Sumo Bean's Review of LA Burgers

Father's Office Burger:
I first went to Father's Office (the Santa Monica location) last year with John, Jon, and Linda, after hearing everyone rave over "the best burger in LA." So one lazy weekend, we decided to see what all the fuss was about. Unfortunately, Linda forgot her ID card (why would they think Linda isn't old enough is beyond me), so we had to get the burgers to go. Here's what you get for $12: dry aged sirloin beef cooked medium/medium-rare, carmelized onions, applewood bacon compote, gruyere and blue cheese, and arugula on a french roll. It's more of a sandwich than it is a burger, since in my opinion, if it doesn't come on a circular bun, it can't be a burger. This is the only way you can get the burger. No subsitutions, no customization, unless you want to anger the burger Nazi in the kitchen.

People RAVE about this burger. I'm not a man of words, or of descriptive smell or taste. My description of food usually invovles the uses of: delicious, awesome, good, fantastic, juicy, smokey, meaty, etc. When I read reviews on Yelp or watch food tasters on TV, it seems like the whole world dropped LSD and now experiences synesthesia or something, because some of the reviews you read of the Father's Office burger are along these lines: "first bite of the sandwich elicits a panoply of exotic and delicious flavors...A sweetness from the caramelized onions is balanced by the bacon compote, and while the effervescent arugula brightens the palate [1]." I've tasted the burger, yet I don't know what a "panaply of exotic" flavors or "effervescent arugula" is supposed to taste like. Is this a good burger? Yes. It is. Some of my friends who went on subsequent Father's Office visits thought it was "da shit...da bomb." But is it worth 12 bucks? Absolutely not. I thought, well maybe it was just because we got it to go, and by the time we got home, perhaps it diminished it's awesomeness. So last week, we went again, this time to the new Culver City location with Gabe. But once again, I thought it was good, but not good enough to cause me to "remember each and every bite of that burger [2]."

Now I'm not hating on the burger. This is purely personal preference. Mostly because I'm not really impressed by gourmet burgers because I feel that once you do that to a burger, you've betrayed the spirit of the burger. The burger is something that one emotionally links to memories of backyard barbeques. A burger is supposed to be dirty, built to your liking, huge, messy, and packed with all the things you love to eat. In my case, things like chili, cheese, egg, bacon, mustard, ketchup, onions, tomatoes, avacado, pastrami, more bacon, peppers, more fucking bacon, and whatever sauces you like...all on a bun. The burger is the all-american "street food." Much like when you go overseas, and you want to get street food, who's going to make a xiaolong bao better? Some grandma selling some xiaolong bao that has been part of her family recipe for generations? or some fancy smancy restaurant in the big city. I'm taking my chances with grandma's xiaolong bao. In that same sense, in America, I'm going to a mom and pop joint for either a burger or a carne asada. Who wants a gourmet carne asada, made of expensive hormone-free beef that is better served as a steak, wrapped with long grain white basmati rice, fair-trade organic black beans, and 10-year aged cheese, all in an organic, gluten-free tortilla? Perhaps you do, but not I. I want my carne asada to taste like burning and to give me heartburn. I want it to be dripping beautiful carne asade juices out of it's bursting folds. I want my carne asada to be DIRTY.


Royal Burger from B&R's Old Fashioned Burgers:
But I digress. This is a review of LA's burgers. And I like my burgers dirty. As such, the best burger I've had in LA (better than Fatburger...better than In n Out) is the Royal burger from B&R's Old Fashion Burgers in Hawthorne. I had the honor and privelege to tackle this beast with Gabe. 2 beef patties totalling 1lb, topped with a fried egg, chili, and pastrami, with tomato, grilled onions, pickles, mustard, and mayo, all for only $5.85, for a total weight of 2.5lbs. Now unlike Father's Office, this is one burger where I remember each and every bite, down to the last one that made me think I was going to explode. It was like an explosion of awesomeness in my mouth (that's what she said). The chili....the pastrami....the beef, the flavors all hit at different points, and each one pleasantly surprises you.

I went back to re-read my xanga entry on this burger, and this is what Gabe had to say about the Royal burger: "You know, this is what's lacking in Chinese cuisine. The grandiosity. Chinese people should make dumplings the size of God."



Footnotes:
1. http://aht.seriouseats.com/archives/2008/10/fathers-office-burger-sandwich-los-angeles-la-california.html
2. http://pleasurepalate.blogspot.com/2007/11/great-burger-quest-at-fathers-office.html